Day 103.......a wee bit sad.

Day 103.......a wee bit sad.

3 Girls and 4 Suitcases.

As one friend told me this morning, in reply to my sad email sent last night, I have been rather brave about all this 'Toronto adventure-stuff' and I suppose it could be looked at that way.
I haven't for the most part felt that it was brave because I haven't felt like I needed more courage. Rather I've felt like it is just the next bit of my journey and have trusted that it's all leading where it's meant to.
Jen and I watched the movie 'Christmas with the Kanks' and we were laughing so hard that Ali commented on it when she appeared from downstairs, after her homework was done. I did some serious guffawing, so much so that Jen filmed me (covertly) at one point. Billy and Andrew Denham.....you know how that film will look-lol. Sometimes my funny bone gets so tickled that I can't reel it in and I am smiling as I remember how much I laughed. I love Tim Allen and will watch anything he's in. There's a sitcom called Last Man Standing that he's in and I lol all the time at him. Whilst it's not as funny a show as Home Improvement was, it's still fantastic.
Oh, yes, back to my sadness and you'll be confused because I just told you that I was laughing my head off last night. But, then came the sadness and that is the risk you take when you open your heart up to the good old Belly-laugh, my friends.
In the movie, the mum mentions that it will be the first Christmas in twenty three years that their daughter won't be with them (this is not a spoiler-she leaves pretty much in the opening scene) and, after my laughter had settled down, those words began to sink deeper and deeper into my heart. The awareness of this being the first Christmas in twenty three years, that I will spend apart from Bill began to grow and I sent him an email to tell him that I was struggling a wee bit and wished he was beside me on the couch. As I typed it on my phone, I began to quietly 'leak' and Ali noticed. (hawk eyes-I had my specs on and thought she wouldn't notice) Whilst I don't mind the girls seeing me cry, I didn't want Ali to feel responsible in any way, shape or form for my sadness and so I went to the loo, in pretense of needing a pee and sent a wee sos to the friend mentioned at the beginning of the email, to send me some Reiki, which she did.....and it is probably the reason why I feel much better this morning.
I know Ali will scan this and find her name and read this and so Alison Denham, please know that dad and I are completely on board with this move and we are happy that you have made us take action because we may never have gotten around to coming back here to 'try-it-out'. Life just happens (at an alarming rate sometimes) and we may have found ourselves ten years from now, still pondering a move or twenty years from now, wishing we'd tried living here.
Yesterday mornings visit with Ross began with us talking about the difficulties of being apart from those we love and I acknowledged how lucky I was, being able to be able to chat with Bill, at the drop of a hat (we chatted on Skype yesterday) For those who find themselves unable to connect so easily, or at all, with their loved ones, my love goes out to you. Perhaps it was a little reminder, for me, that I do have it pretty good and that flipsides of happiness and sadness go hand in hand. I have worked so hard to feel happiness and so I accespt my sadness for what it is and I know that it will pass. Ali asked me why I didn't just take my remedies last night, to stop the sadness and I told her that I wanted to sit with it till today. She didn't get that and I understand why. I'm forever telling her, if she wants to feel better, to take her remedies. So I may have lost her, for now, with remedies because I told her that I would nag her no more.
Sorry if todays Blog is a bit of a downer, folks.
On a cheerier note, it was a great day overall. I walked home (an hour plus) from Ross' and Jen met me approx' half way. We picked up pine cones, with the aim of using them for Christmas decor and had lunch to Once-upon-a-Time. I had to fill Jen in on two seasons worth of character news-lol.
She and I popped out to the bank and the library, when Ali went to work. I forgot to go to the Wine Store and so I nipped along after dinner and dishes and hand-washing Ali's Christmas sweater and making soup and.....it was busy from dinner till eight fifteen.
When I got to the checkout in the LCBO (wine shop) I opened my bag to find no purse. Groan. I laughed and tilted my purse so the girls could see inside 'I have forgotten my purse' I said and then I told her that I'd nip home for it. She must have thought I was bonkers because they call a handbag a purse here. So basically, I showed her my purse whilst telling her that I had left my purse at home-tee hee. And so I nipped home and got my wallet (Canadian for Purse) which had been left on the kitchen counter. I was wondering whether it might be a sign for me not to have a glass or two last night but I bought and drank the wine anyhoo.
The reason that my wallet was not in my purse was because I had been booking a workshop for Ali and needed a credit card. It's a three hour workshop with a Canadian Casting Director and follows on through the company who did the seminar last Saturday. Hopefully it will be very helpful for her.
Jen finally got her credit card but there is no sign of mine having even been applied for. I am going to go into the bank again this week and ask to see the manager and perhaps I'll get an answer or two. Her credit card had lights on it. You press one button for using the visa and the other button to use your Tim Horton points. Absolutely amazing and yet so unnecessary. Not sure that I like these 'wave it and buy it' cards.....mmm? Her card also has her name as Denham Jennifer. It answers the question of why the bank keep sending her emails with 'Dear Denham' on them-lol.
Right, my stomach is growling and I need to go eat some breakfast. I am pondering the library and feel I ought to go because it's been a few days away from the screenplay. I'm at a difficult bit and avoidance is not a good tactic for getting through it.
Much love to all,
Lxxx