Day 42...was yesterday and Day 43 sees me a blubbering wreck.

Day 42.......was yesterday and Day 43 sees me a blubbering wreck.

3 Girls and 4 Suitcases.

It seems only right that I should begin by talking about how I'm feeling right now, rather than how things were yesterday because that's what's going on.....right now. This blog will sort itself out, at some point, into being something or nothing but that day isn't today.
I have been breaking into tears regularly, over the course of today, the first time being when I wrote a wee note to put secretly into Bills suitcase. Needless to say, it's got lots of tear-stains on it.....as well as lots of love hearts and Angels, of course.
After Ali went off to school, I finished the note and crawled back into bed-now get your minds out of the gutter.....I just wanted to be close to Bill for one last morning.....for now.
He was still very sleepy and I began crying as soon as I snuggled into him....very softly, so as he didn't know but when it felt like I would have to sob, I got up and went downstairs again.
I was in full sob mode, when he appeared at the back of me and his huge, wonderful hugs began and continued all day, right up till he had to leave me sobbing at the door of the house. He...and then we...decided that it would be awful to say goodbye at the airport and I have memories of another time that I had to say goodbye to him in an airport and I cried all the way back to Canada.
This isn't the first time that we have spent time apart, it's just that this will likely be the longest and I believe that I love him more now than I ever have....so this felt more difficult.
Somewhere in my sobbing, early morning, I had a lightbulb moment about being mindful of what was going on emotionally and the fact that I am aways preaching to people about not spoiling the present moment by worrying about the future. That is exactly what I was doing and I was able to make a choice to take a few deep breaths, really feel them and choose to enjoy the time that I had left with Bill, before he flew home.
I managed to do that till after we had lunch and then I went into my cupboard for something and noticed that all his clothes were gone......and I was off again. It's amazing the strength of the emotion when it comes and there was little I could do but accept his open arms until I managed to breathe again.
The next time I 'cracked' was when I went into my bathroom cabinet and all his man-stuff was gone......flippin' heck.
And then it was just time for him to be going and I could not stop, even in front of Alison...and you know what, that was all right. I think that it's okay, in fact good for kids to know that their parents are very human sometimes and that it's okay to cry.
After Bill left, I had an overwhelming desire to run after him and go to the airport to have another couple of hours with him (I once almost got back off a plane because I didn't want to leave him) but I stayed put and did some meditation for 40 minutes instead.
This evening has had it's moments, including when Andrew sent me a text full of hugs and also when friend were sending love via FB-I could feel the love and it made me 'leak' again.
All through today, I have been trying to accept and just feel the feelings that have come and gone. I Know that there's no point in stuffing them down and I am certain that I would have been far more of a basket-case today if I hadn't had mindfulness-meditation in my life.
The waves of emotion today, felt like the waves that I experience when my mum died and it made me think about the friends I have who have lost or almost lost their husbands. Despite it feeling unbearable, I am grateful for being given a glimpse of what these strong, amazing women must have felt and may still be feeling on a regular basis.
My husband has only gone back to Edinburgh. I will be able to see him on skype tomorrow.
It seems wrong to compare how I felt today to how I felt when my mum died but the feeling was the same and just as strong. It's a bit like you can't quantify terror. If you are terrified of spiders you are terrified. If you are terrified because you are being held at gunpoint, you are terrified. The terror is the same intensity, even though one could argue that the situations don't warrant it being so.
Perhaps I was meant to put this 2 and 2 together to get my 4. I am sure that my 'grief' will settle down quickly as I move forward and I will use all my tools to stop me from missing Bills physical presence here.
So todays adventure wasn't so much fun but Ali and I did have a lovely dinner together and then we watched SHrek....always a good cheerer-upper, whilst snuggled under a fluffy blanket.
She's tucked up in bed now and I am heading to bed as soon as I finish posting this.

Day 42, yesterday........Jen went to Vancouver and I am so proud of her confidence and calmness. She didn't get herself stressed in the least, there were no tears and I hope that she has a fantastic time. Bill and I chummed her to the airport but she likely could have just gone on her own.....she's such a seasoned traveller these days.
Andrew came for dinner again and they all had Pizza......again. I was all Pizza'd out and decided that a cheese and onion roll sounded amply sufficient and it was. I have a tower of empty pizza boxes that I am going to build something with.....I will try to remember to let you know what materialises.
Short and sweet for Day 42......I'm tired.....and 'spent'-you know the way you feel after lots of crying? The yahoo is that I got through typing this without a tear.
Much love to you all-thanks for stopping by and I'll ty to be a bit cheerier tomorrow.
Lxxx